I have absolutely no energy to accomplish anything. None. I’ve done a lot of writing and editing this week, but I still manage to find myself in an I-Just-Want-This-Done-Now mode. I keep hearing that this is a success killer, so I’ve been avoiding working on anything when I feel this way. So, here’s a fun glimpse into my average weekday:
5 AM: Get woken up by my brother getting ready for work. Usually it’s someone else.
5:15 AM: Fall back to sleep. I think I dreamt about bears.
6:15 AM: Slept through my alarm clock. Oops.
6:20 AM: Eat breakfast. This morning it was chocolate and vanilla Chex. I regretted that later – my stomach is sensitive to something or other in them, but dey so good.
6:30 AM: Down my coffee as I watch the news in a frozen, sleepy haze.
7:20 AM: Leave for work – on time this morning, despite sharing one bathroom with two other people. No need to operate at 75 on the highway!
8:00 AM: Arrive at work. I wanted a few spare minutes to nod off in the parking lot, but alas…
8-12 PM: Work is slow. Google recipes, work on brainteasers with my co-workers, make a lot of jokes with them (which get progressively more insane as the day goes on – the waves of construction work haven’t annihilated us yet)
12:00 PM: Eat lunch with my co-workers in the warehouse. Ham & Turkey club. I don’t really want it (see 6:20 AM), but I shovel it in, anyway. More insane jokes ensue.
12:50 PM: I’ve stayed in the warehouse longer than my allotted time because there is quite literally nothing to do in the office. No one in the office cares. Re-commence Googling. Do a quick quote and order here and there. I’m too fast at my job now. I will regret thinking this in two months.
4:00 PM: Text someone about plans this weekend. It looks like they’ve flaked and my weekend will now consist of cat documentaries on Netflix. There needs to be a Tindr for friendships only. … Seriously, how do you make friends after you leave school?
4:30 PM: Go home. Contemplate a nap.
5:00 PM: Shovel down another sandwich. Internet.
6:30 PM: Shower. Never took that nap.
7:00 PM: Work on If I Let You Go, my first book. Get distracted by music on YouTube. … This is all I’ve been doing since then, and it is now midnight. Poisons of the night: Korn, A Perfect Circle, Porcupine Tree, Slipknot. Not sure why so aggressive. … That’s a lie, actually. During this period, I also got distracted looking for apartments and houses. I can’t find an apartment that’s less than 59% of my post-tax income and I’m ripshit about that because I no longer feel like my current living situation is healthy. It would be easier if I found a roommate, but no one wants to drop this kind of money on a one-bedroom apartment. I’ve accomplished writing 252 words of a new chapter. That’s it.
So, as you can probably see, today wasn’t that great. I have a lot of personal crap going on, but hey, who doesn’t? Because we all like to complain, I will list a few complaints here:
I need to sign up for vision and dental insurance at work. In 6 months, I will need to sign up for health insurance. In the meantime, apartment prices in my area are going to keep going up. What is now 59% of my income will easily become closer to 65%. If I buy a house, it’s going to be an ugly hole that looks like it was transported from the 1970s. I’m okay with that.
A company in Cambridge approached me for an interview last month. It was for a marketing manager job paying over $70,000 a year. They saw that I have excellent sales, marketing, and leadership skills and wanted to gauge how I’d fit with an opening they had. Naturally, seeing as my current pay affords me to live in a really nice cardboard box, I was interested. It never went anywhere, but it gave me the confidence to ask myself a couple questions: What is my worth, really? What are my long-term goals aside from writing and what am I doing to achieve them? I actually really miss the creative side of marketing. I’m playing with the idea of freelancing again (got to afford a $200,000 shack in MA somehow; I can’t move), but is it even worth it? With what little free time I have and the demands of clients, I’ll never sleep again. The extra tax forms alone might cost more than I’ll make. The best I can do is transcription, and transcription sucks. I might as well be a waitress, but I don’t have the time for a part-time job job.
I’ve got chronic pelvic pain. Doctors have been saying it’s XY&Z for years. Thought I almost had the cause, but nope. The way I’m starting to look at things is… This chronic pain thing is hopeless. I have no control over that. But I do have control over my general health, and I’m not at my healthiest. I would like to be stronger, leaner, less stressed out. Maybe fixing the basics will pull me up in some way. If not, there’s still exploratory surgery. Some things have to change, which means setting aside time.
Time that I don’t have and it’s going to get worse as things at work pick up. But really, even 20 minutes of planks is something.
I know that someday I’m going to be able to use all of these experiences and grievances for something, so I’m trying not to be too bitter. Some of it is just life at 25, and there are people who have it worse.
All of these experiences are going to become a part of me, the way the alcoholism I was exposed to as a kid did; the way being told by my family that asking someone “what’s up?” or “what are you doing?” meant someone was being nosy and didn’t just want to be friends branded me a snob for years (because I believed it) stuck with me; the way I got into a car accident and still walked in to the interview I was scheduled for – where I was insulted by a hostile, disgruntled, and under-educated Russian woman and still kept my cool – affected my sense of self in a weirdly positive way.
We all have bad days and things that hold us back; things that boost us up, yet make ourselves question our sanity a little bit. Use those experiences, whether it’s in your writing or to help the people in your life. Life is all beautiful, even the terrible parts.